Jane: endurance, risk and love

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Recently, I tried mastering the art of overupgrading equipments. I heard that battle blacksmiths are good in it, and so I brought Adrenaline*Girl to the upgrade room. With her were a sack full of eluniums, rough ores and millions of zennies.

And so this hopeful blacksmith bought a lot of slotted items, from mufflers to chainmails, axes and daggers. She asked Hollegren, the best BS of Prontera City to give her luck. After spending 10 million zennies...tanannanan /ho 3 pieces of +7 Mufflers! And so she continued buying mufflers from the merchants and blacksmiths standing for long hours at the upgrade room trying to sell their overpriced item. Tanananan..... /ho another +7Muffler! With the guidance of Jaymie, an assassin turned knight, BS Adrenaline*Girl went for the more expensive stuff, the first on her cart was a slotted chainmail...

Clang Clang!* Goes the hammer... wow +6 Chainmail in her first try! *Clang Clang! Wow +7 Chainmail! That was 15 million zennies! So she bought another piece of chainmail. *Clang Clang! Toink! Failed! /sob Another chainmail, we'll see... Clang Clang* Weapon Perfection! * +6 Chainmail! Clang Clang! +7Chainmail! Wow, Adre Girl got two +7 Chainmails!

In the afternoon, Adrenaline*Girl tried her luck once again. This time, with more chainmails, mufflers, shoes, and some others on her cart. She was able to make another 2 pieces +7 chainmails!

The next day, Adrenaline*Girl was complaining of a stomachache and headache as well. Despite of the sickness, she continued overupgrading items. Bang! She lost 145m!

As of now, Adrenaline*Girl is still trying to recover from a very big loss. But for her, money is nothing. Vending overnight at Prontera Market is sort of a service to the Pronteran people in need of overupgraded items.

Goodbye to my million zennies...

1:10 PM endurance, risk and love

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Life is full of shit, thus writing a journal about my life wouldn't be limited only for my happy memories. My life ain't happy at all. It's boring, it's sad, filled with chaos...

For almost six years, I sacrificed going to school even if I didn't like my field. I enrolled without my parents with me. I was wandering alone. The first two years, I was having difficulties with regards to my adjustment to the new environment, in dealing with people, especially my classmates at school, my teachers...I had a hard time with my subjects but passed all of them with flying colors. Life those times was difficult, but colorful and happy after I met people like Andoy, Jason, Jhyx, Kim, Kulas and all others who became a part of our clan - a Counter-Strike gaming clan. I was having difficult times waking up in the morning, for we spent our time playing CS at night, afterwards, we go bar-hoppin`, stay up so late, get so drunk, watch porn movies, talk about anythin`, or just plain "kulitan". Despite all of the hardships, I was able to manage my time well.

The day came when Jason's mom found out that he dropped out from school. Yes, I admit that we became so abusive those times, like we sacrificed school just for gaming and for our friends, like being with each other was far more important. Jason escaped from the territories of his Tita and live with our barkada. He never even told all of us of what had happened. He just disappeared, without leaving a word.

Most of my barkada were graduating ECE student those times, but they were able to graduate and even passed the board exam even if we go out wandering during wee hours. Graduation day came...they left. Not so many of us remained.

One by one, they disappeared. I was left all alone.

During my debut, they were all here in this house which I call as my "hawla". This day, I just turned 22. Four years had passed... Those were the memories that will be treasured forever.

Pag birthday ko, we usually go out, inuman, kulitan. Pero after my real barkada left, wala na... My birthday is so boring. I never even have a centavo in my pocket. I am so disappointed with my parents.

As usual, I will be celebrating my birthday, alone and sad. I will spend the night drinking lots and lots of beer.

Happy birthday to me....

Cheers to all the happy memories!

I wish...I wish that I'll be able to graduate then escape from my fantasies, and face the real world.

Hello world! I just turned 22!

6:17 PM endurance, risk and love

Sunday, June 12, 2005

I am bitter, I am sad, I am lonely... My heart is filled with hatred, my mind disturbed by the memories of the past. I feel haunted. Every time I look back, I would feel a slight pinch deep inside me, for I long wanted to be loved, even just a bit, and that I could be accepted for who I am inside and out. I felt so rejected. I've inflicted pains on so many people even if I didn't mean to.

And so I decided to escape, forget about what happened in the past. Yes, I did love him and I'm not quiet sure if I still do, but his memories would linger forever for he left a mark that no one could hide. Half of my heart was torn, the other half keeps on beating, for there is always a reason to live. Wounds may heal but the scars will be left there forever...

Tears will keep on rolling down my face for I am destined to cry for the rest of my life, and hoping that one day, he'll return and accept me, erase the memories that's haunting me.

The thought of him being in somebody's arms make me feel sick...
Nothing is impossible in this world, and as for me, I'll continue to hope and continue to live.

1:36 AM endurance, risk and love

Saturday, June 11, 2005

I was doing the usual stuff when my mom suddenly popped out the door behind me and hand me over this big box of Fruit-tella candies I am chewing every hour for one week now when the urge to puff nicotine would bother my not so stable sanity...

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Mom: You can't get over with your pc addiction huh?

Me: ( with a horrifying look on my face...) Errr... What are you doing here?

Mom: Here's some candies. BB Port (a family friend) chewed a lot of candies before he was able cleanse his lungs from tar.

Me: ( Wah!) I will be celebrating my birthday next week and all you could give me is a "garaponful" of Frut-tella?! (sobs...)

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Weee, I wasn't aware that my mom would come over. All I was thinking was that my sister would arrive anytime of the day for her enrollment. I totally panicked for I have my cigarrette packs lying just in front of me and in front of my computer screen.

Well, the last time they caught me smoking, my father slapped me, or shall we say punched me with an uppercut that landed straight on my jaw giving me a sight of some twinkling "stars". That hurted mo so bad...

And so I sacrificed for a week, especially that my father arrived the next day. They attended this seminar at the Grand Convention Center. I was like a prisoner once again, I was being watched all the time! They keep on whining about the uber-expensive phone and electric bills that they really have to pay - and this is all because of my 24/7 connection on the net, my modkore duties and my Ragnarok fansite creations.

Every morning, it's not just my parents who kept on nagging, my sister would also cooperate with `em. Grrr...stupid Chinese! Why can't they just shut up their big mouths which are far more bigger than their brains?! Or is it that my brain shrinks into pea-size?

1:01 PM endurance, risk and love

Saturday, June 04, 2005

I was hunting herbs at the yggdrasil map this morning and I happened to bump on an old RO friend and now my guildmate, xairo. We talked about a lot of things like my classmates at school, some old RO friends and stuffs.

Before I go on, I want to write how I first met him.

I used to play Ragnarok at Monkey Online, where my friends from Odin, Armed n Loaded were also playing. If you remember Elevert, an ANL wiz, I'm sure a lot of beta users know him cause he's a bit aggressive at the PVP room those times, he's the one who introduced me to xairo. We (xairo-wj) went leveling at the gh chivalry back then. My priest was still level 65+ that time. After that, I never saw him again.

My RO effects were off so I never saw his aura. I was really surprised after he told me he reached level 99. I am so happy for him.

I then joined his guild, an all-Bisaya guild named Exalted. Later on I suggested to change the guild's name to BISDAK, something that would bring out our real identity, afterall, we are all Bisaya.

In the afternoon when I warped myself to Alde Baran town to met Hiiro at a nearby city, I heard somebody shouted "mga bubu mga Bisaya..." and stuffs. I got pissed since I am a Bisaya myself. And so I answered, "mamatay na lahat ng racist ng Pilipinas!" And I mean `em. I hate racists. We are all Pilipinos and we are supposed to respect other ppl regardless of their race.

Being branded as "bisdak" in-game is one suffering I have for 2 years of playing Ragnarok. I feel that a lot of them would think that Tagalogs are superior. So I guess there could be probable reasons, and I think one is that ...Bisaya are usually "maid/helpers" or even "entertainers", and that Bisaya ppl pronounce English and our vernacular language real odd.

But not all Bisaya are like that... It's just that most of the Bisaya living in Manila are uneducated people who strives to live in a world where other races aren't welcome. Besides, it's not everyday that we speak Tagalog, we speak our own language and Bisaya that is. We are Pinoys as well, the only difference is the language that we speak. And the culture we have. We are not used of the words "po" and "opo" so a lot would say that we are mayabangs, malaki ulo, etc. when we never really mean that.

Even the ppl I consider as my family in-game would laugh at me sometimes, for I am Bisaya, and I am bubu, and I am pangit. I feel that my race is one hindrance that keeps them off from respecting me and other Bisayan women/men of Ragnarok.

Even when I attended the Ragnarok World Championship in Manila last year, when Armed n Loaded, a well-known and obviously a Bisayan guild was presented as the Odin champions, all we got were "boo boos".

Hays...

In the evening, I was in a conversation with our maid GV, while she was giving me massage on my legs. We talked about relationships, love and marriage. I told her that I also am dreaming of finally getting into a serious relationship. I never have a boyfriend and on the 15th, I will be turning 22.

She mentioned that she know somebody and would want me to meet him soon. He's a real intelligent guy whom the Guiness Book of World Records is a witness. He was listed in that book as the first student who was able to trap an atom - a great recognition of our school. He is everybody's favorite at the Math & Science department. He's tall, dark and uhmm a bit handsome and a hunk haha! Two years ago, I was enrolled in his Physics class. I used to write lovenotes for him in every exam blue book i received where i supposed to write my answers. Whoa! nakakahiya....

11:53 PM endurance, risk and love